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Everything I Need to Know, I Learned from Watching NUMB3RS
List created by the members of the NUMB3RCrunching Yahoo group and the NUMB3RS FanRush Forum.

List compiled by Lady Shelley.

If you have additions to make to the list feel free to email me!

Everything I Need to Know, I Learned from Watching NUMB3RS
  • Army buddies can betray you once you're back in the States
  • Bad guys will always try to outrun FBI agents
  • COROLLARY: You CAN'T outrun men in suits.
  • Megan can kick your ass
  • Men who: have genius kid brothers; have lost their mothers to a serious illness; and have jobs where their lives are on the line daily will probably have inferiority complexes, trust issues and relationship issues.
  • The Coke and Mentos trick definitely needs to be tried at home
  • There's such a game as Frisbee Golf
  • Craftsman homes are really pretty
  • Mathematicians and physicists can earn a pretty penny
  • Kevlar Assault Vests are a HOT fashion item.
  • Nylon Tactical gear has interesting thigh straps.
  • Protective eyewear is not 'fashion friendly' on anyone.
  • The math dept is the least libidinous on campus
  • Looking at your watch too much annoys Megan
  • Thigh holster with jeans is a must for every season
  • Math can be fun too
  • Don't mess with the sniper or his fiber
  • Math is sexy.
  • White is a food group
  • Children are wormholes
  • Golf can get you out of trouble with your girlfriend.
  • Math can be presented in a popular format without losing its meaning.
  • Family can be portrayed in a complex fashion in said format.
  • People can be shown to make mistakes, with real consequences, and still find out life doesn't disintegrate.
  • When you are in the catering business and are a serial rapist in L.A., it's okay to smoke around food preparation.
  • Duck should never be prepared for a first date.
  • While nachos make a fine meal, nothing beats red meat.
  • Although hockey is a great sport, not everyone likes to hear the stats.
  • You can use math to decide the perfect number of chocolate chips in a chocolate chip cookie.
  • Being really, really good at "Fantasy Baseball" can get you a scholarship to a major university.
  • NanoTube sounds like a geek porn star (Thanks Colby)
  • Bathtubs can be used for many, many experiments
  • Everyone should have a koi pond to contemplate
  • Lifelong dreams DO come true
  • No matter how many doctorates a woman gets, she will always get stuck with the typing
  • You can do some funky stuff with a simple photo, like hide child porn under one of a house
  • You can be right next to an exploding house but still walk away with just a bit of soot and a whole lot of guilt
  • Classes should be held in bodies of water
  • The trigger can be pulled before the gas can be pressed.
  • "We all use Math every day."
  • When waiting for the punch-line, always nod your head
  • All bike gangs should drive Harley's, but only investment bankers can afford them
  • You're SUPPOSED to sort diamonds according to which ones you like and which ones you don't
  • The term Whiz Kid is a compliment
  • For ten bucks, Colby is willing to catch anyone
  • Charlie's equations are always right. Colby said so.
  • Colby won't shoot you in the back - he just doesn't feel like chasing you
  • Megan thinks you're the worst at hide-and-go-seek ever
  • Math professors can't spell 'anomaly' (please tell me that I spelled it right)
  • Always have a back-up plan
  • Younger brothers can definitely be a trigger.
  • Detention trumps math when it comes to making paper airplanes
  • You gotta trust your team
  • Counting cards is not cheating
  • People who only know Charlie on the basis of his spelling might worry that the American system of education has failed him completely.
  • Beware of men with bats in car washes.
  • Your chalk will never run out, especially if you're using a red holder.
  • It's virtually a guarantee that your girlfriend will bring along annoying music on a road trip.
  • You'll only get killed off if you're a nameless background character.
  • You'll never have to teach a class again, grade papers, or hold tests to keep your professorship; all you have to do is consult with the FBI a few times or have the head of the department date your father.
  • No matter how old you are, you still try to hide things from your parent(s). And it almost always comes back to bite you in the butt.
  • Soap, even expensive soap, is not a 'good gift' to give a woman.
  • Chocolate chip cookies are a good "peace offering for the natives".
  • Broccoli is a stimulating topic of discussion at a nice restaurant.
  • One should always practice for planned food fights.
  • Caged cockatoos can disappear overnight.
  • Never percuss for pleasure.
  • No guy ever agrees not to have sex!
  • Race is not really a factor--but nobody has ever gotten the memo about it!
  • Horses on a merry-go-round are dangerous animals!
  • Fathers are the best cooks/chefs/wedding planners!!
  • Bubbles can be used for more than popping
  • Things only appear to be random--there is a pattern. Really
  • Ipod shuffling only appears to be random.
  • Everyone needs a place where they can just Be
  • After striking out in the dating realm with one or more of your colleagues, perhaps it is time to start dating outside the workplace.
  • Exception to above is if your current flame is working out and more career-oriented at the moment.
  • Laptops today come with a tracking device, so if stolen one doesn't need to gather too much data to find it
  • The ABC agencies need to work on their communication skills with one another.
  • Spoons are not just for eating.
  • Always bring your own beer.
  • Always note and question at least once all Underlying Assumptions for anything.
  • When your family wants to help you, don't argue. Especially if stubbornness is a very strong family trait
  • Your Dad will always hint at having grandkids whether you are currently involved with someone or not.
  • "Babbling" is the stop word for babblers
  • Fingerprint analysis is more of an art, less of a science
  • AUSA's are really good looking sometimes
  • It's OK to live in steam tunnels on campus, as long as no one finds out
  • Switching your first choice will double your chances of getting the winning card
  • Mathematicians can go for a road trip without wanting music (or attempt to anyway) but girlfriend will think you crazy, as will the viewers.
  • "Fleinhardt" can be used as an adjective.
  • FBI agents are good with kids.
  • Food is always an appropriate peace offering.
  • Older siblings always have cool stuff.
  • COROLLARY: Younger siblings will always "be in their older one's stuff"
  • The garage is the perfect place to think, work, and have melt downs.
  • A genius should always have an office full of toys... and post-it notes.
  • Always check the mail at your brother's house even though you don't live there.
  • We are closer to discovering the origin of gamma ray bursts then we are about the laws of human attraction to one another.
  • It is probably a good idea to put a gag order on your Significant Other about your choice of PJs... especially if your SO has been a frequent visitor to your workplace.
  • There is a possibility that not all dictionaries are reliable.
  • There is no Nobel Prize for Mathematics
  • The meaning of "defenestration" : The act of throwing something out the window
  • If you don't like the answer, ask a different question
  • To hold to one assumption, and exclude any and all contradictory data, that isn't science, that's politics.
  • When your partner repeatedly does not answer his cell phone, it's time to send in the cavalry.
  • COROLLARY: Unless you think he's having sex...
  • Alan never gets the flu
  • Charlie helps with Don's cases so that he can hang around Don (that's a bit sad actually)
  • Charlie can't keep a secret (at least Don thinks so)
  • Families can be just as strong, if not stronger, if they are bonded by workplace or friendship.
  • FBI agents ALWAYS overwork themselves to exhaustion, and live off of Chinese and coffee.
  • The lounge's fridge frequently has to be cleaned out by somebody, and that person frequently comments on the status of the items.
  • Brothers, no matter how old they are, still squabble like kids.
  • Lovers, and brothers frequently rub off on each other.
  • Don't player hate.
  • No Charlie, we're not thinking what you're thinking.
  • Skateboarding can be a crime.
  • Do not use tacks to put anything up on a wall that is not owned by you.
  • Contrary to criminal belief, cars are "deadly weapons."
  • Sometimes when trying to solve a problem, you have to "go back to the apple."
  • It is okay to cry.
  • It is acceptable to sit on top of any desk, at any time.
  • Fathers have bad timing, when you're with your date.
  • There is such a thing as a curly headed black hole who sucks the life out of the universe.
  • Never eat popcorn when Charlie is demonstrating one of his mathematical ideas.
  • When Don rolls up his sleeves or chews on a swizzle stick... uh, what was I saying...
  • If you want your office left intact on Senor Beach Day, you have to leave a bribe for the restless underclassmen/"hungry natives"
  • A robot the size of a shoebox actually can pull a car
  • Grown women won't make out in cars
  • COROLLARY: If you want to try though, the car needs a back seat.
  • Your boss might have played Dungeons & Dragons in the steam tunnels, but that doesn't mean that you are allowed to live in them.
  • Drumming is good for finding inspiration.
  • Never rig up the bathtub for an experiment if you can't un-rig it for someone to take a shower.
  • You can't trust a spy, even if he did save your life
  • Walking IS a sport.
  • Therapists can be right.
  • It is what you do before you fall that counts.
  • When in your therapist's office, the therapist rules--especially when dealing with cell phones.
  • Nothing will fall apart just because you're not there. Yeah, everything will be fine...
  • Disney Hall is a nice place for things to begin...and end.
  • The next time you are in your therapist's office, he trusts you with the cell phone given what happened last time.
  • When you're 9 your dad should be "Superman."
  • If a bodyguard is only winged and the other shot dead, you know what happened was an inside job.
  • There's no good cop/bad cop, just straight G-man.
  • It's OK to drink a cup of Pepto-Bismol after a stressful situation.
  • If your colleague's friend has been working for the Chinese, chances are that your colleague himself is also.
  • Ice cream can be made with liquid nitrogen
  • Math geeks are hot when they fight with each other.
  • Never, ever, ever tell Don Eppes you are locking your door after midnight. He will actually believe you.
  • Breaking spaghetti can be a quality pastime between brothers.
  • Sometimes your head is a bad place to be.
  • You have to leave earth to have an experience that transcends everything you know.
  • If you start writing on a window in a hospital, no one will stop you.
  • When going up against a practitioner of espionage, it is important to brush up on everything you know, especially Shakespeare...and those piano lessons your mother made you take.
  • Sometimes you just have to punch someone.
  • Sometimes it's good not to read your dad's FBI file.
  • If you're a British cryptographer, it will take almost a week for poison, a shotgun wound to the chest as well as being near exploding C4 to kill you. Let's all become British cryptographers who are slightly cuckoo.
  • Even the FBI cannot stop meteors.
  • You can dress in a tee shirt, dress shirt, and sport coat on warm days, and never once break a sweat.
  • Even a math professor has trouble with his checkbook sometimes.
  • The difference in FBI and Police is the FBI eats fresh baked muffins instead of donuts.
  • Math professors make beautiful origami flowers for beautiful FBI agents.
  • I'll probably never win the lottery.
  • If you break out of jail, don't go to your girlfriend's house.
  • If your boyfriend breaks out of jail, don't buy sexy lingerie.
  • "You can't sell wolf tickets to hard core gangsters..."
  • A guy can actually think pizza at a laundromat makes a pretty good date
  • If your office gets skunked, you can teach your class at home.
  • Corollary: If your office gets skunked, have the door to the perpetrator's office dry walled into oblivion.
  • If your math thesis is awesome, you might win the Milton Prize.
  • Corollary: If it's super-awesome, you may get to jump your thesis advisor.
  • If you want to go on a road trip after mid-terms, palm the grading off on the TAs.
  • When you go from being a student to being a teacher, you have to upgrade your wardrobe.
  • Use the "I'm trying to stop a killer" line, as it may get you on the supercomputer faster.
  • Corollary: Using "the fate of democracy is at stake" also works.
  • Do not skip class merely to save the world.
  • If Russian Mobsters choose to audit one of your classes, start talking about calling the Feds and the Police
  • Corollary: If you are an assistant director, telling your boss, the producer, that he looks like a mobster may not be a wise career move.
  • If you are an actor, and you like a show, make sure they give you a character who can appear in more than one episode. If he/she saves the main character, so much the better.
  • If your boss is single, do NOT let her see your Dad the Widower, because she will pounce like a starving cougar. (Not that I blame her, Alan Eppes… rawr.)
  • If you're the boss, you can do things that you tell your minions not to do. Who's going to tell on you, you?
  • It's good to be Sean Connery.
  • People will pay big bucks to mingle with the Sean Connery of the Math department, especially when he makes Pi jokes that they don't understand.
  • There are dozens of way to refer to "Pi" in a series about mathematics.
  • Lemon meringue IS a gateway pi… er… pie.
  • When your math-fu humiliates a rival, "kindly" name a variation after him to rub it in.
  • When your math-fu rescues the beauteous Fed-cake Profiler, name a variation after her, she needs a laugh.
  • Corollary: NEVER name a variation after your brother.
  • If a friend of yours gets shot at, start in on the complex math immediately. Just don't get lost in a Millennium Problem.
  • If you think someone is trying to kill you, go to a Law Enforcement agent, not a mathematician.
  • If your hair follicles fail to reach critical mass, give up on the moustache.
    There is no downside to packing a lucky t-shirt.
  • Macramé is useful if you want to Quipu a secret.
  • Do NOT ask the Number Four sniper in the country how he moved up from the Number Five spot.
  • Explosions are way cool, especially when explained by Bill Nye.
  • Building toy helicopters is not a crime.
  • Compare the love of your life to the M57 Galaxy; it will never get old.
  • Be sure to use your wild card on something WILD!
  • Mountains are a good place to lose yourself in contemplation, especially at sunset.
  • Beaches are also a good place for contemplation, especially at sunrise.
  • Family is important.
  • It's important to chew gum while working a crime scene--or even discussing one at headquarters.
  • When entering the morgue, always make sure that the number of bodies you should have matches the number of bodies that you do have.
  • Never threaten a computer geek or make one abandon her dog--she'll be very angry.
  • Academic freedom is big.
  • Mathematicians and future mathematicians are taking over...
  • Even if you don't believe them or may never understand them, you should at least listen to eccentrics.
  • Sunglasses + FBI agents = Deadly
  • Bad guys leaving in haste leave damning waste
  • Seniority sucks--unless you're the senior agent and don't have to go "trash-diving"
  • If you are ever in a position where you have to wear a wire, don't let on to the bad guy that you know more than you are supposed to.
  • When Don stays for dinner - don't forget the mustard!
  • Piano lessons are not a waste of time.
  • When you build a maze there is always math there, whether it's inentional or unintentional.
  • With Charlie's math, there is no risk involved.
  • Charlie would never gamble with Colby's life.
  • FBI agents don't look good in gold chains and pimped SUVs.
  • Statistically you’re dead when you’re shot at. It doesn’t matter if you’re hit or not.
  • According to Larry, we all have exactly the same number of minutes at all times.
  • One doesn’t make a long career in forgery business without patience.
  • Do not gamble with a mathematician.
  • Even golf balls have to follow the rules of physics, just like any other object.
  • Only minor characters need to wear protective helmets when going into a firefight.
  • The garage is the perfect place to think, work, and have melt downs.

Last Updated ( Friday, 14 March 2008 )
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